Anxiety isn't just the panic attacks. It's the over thinking, the panic, the thoughts, the racing heart, the plunge of self esteem, and everything in between. See, the panic attacks are just a small part of it. I mean, don't get me wrong, hyperventilating and feeling like I'm dying is pretty dang terrible, but let's talk about the before...before the explosion.
I overthink everything, you see. Now, I know. I KNOW every one overthinks, but people with anxiety NEVER STOP OVERTHINKING. Our minds are our battlefield. We fight. We fight so hard to stop the thoughts, but we can't. Or at least, I can't.
Let me give you an example, just last night while my friends were out having a good time at an event I wasn't allowed to go to (which I will never stop fighting that it was ridiculously stupid and individualistic, and I will never forgive the decision that was made, but that's a totally different story.) and I could not, for the life of me, stop thinking about how
No one cared about me. How has no one texted me to see how I'm doing. No one seemed to care that I wasn't there. I'm invisible. No one even notices when I'm there, let alone when I'm not there. They knew I wanted to go to this.
I know that it's all in my head. I know it's the low self esteem and the anxiety that make these thoughts run wild. I am still upset about yesterday. I haven't even looked at any of my social medias since after work yesterday. I don't want to see everyone's happy faces when I'm alone in my room all weekend. I'm not saying that I don't want everyone to have fun without me, but they say they love me and that they'll always be there for me and all this other crap, but I don't believe it. I stop believing words a long time ago. Person after person has let me down, and I can't trust. Because when I trust people and they let me down, the anxiety gets worse. The thoughts attack in full force.
Why do they lie? Why have they let me down, AGAIN? Why can't I do anything right? There must be something wrong with me if everyone does this to me...
I look back, though, at the times I didn't have "friends". The anxiety was still there...it's always there just following me like a dark shadow. I just know how to deal with it now, I guess. See, last night, like many many moments in my life, I felt those racing thoughts, the panic bubbling up ready to break me down, but I fought. I prayed. I distracted myself with painting and cleaning everything I could, and I won! It's a small feat, but every little win is worth celebrating. The hardest battle is waged in my mind. The attacks are just the end result. A moment I don't have a panic attack, a day I beat those thoughts, is a moment of celebration. I'll get through this, like I always do. Whatever battles are going through your head, you WILL get through them, too.
