Christian

Some love stories are short stories, but they are love stories, all the same

My boyfriend and I broke up tonight...I think we really need this break, this space right now. It's going to be hard for me. I don't like change. I don't like awkward questions from people about why we broke up. But, I'm okay. I'm better than I expected to be. I think it's because he was the best boyfriend I've ever had. For once, I wasn't the only one giving 110% into the relationship. He loves me. He loved me with all that he was, and I didn't deserve it. He's amazing. He helped me in my worst time. I'll always be grateful for him. God put him in my life in the exact moment I needed him. 

Chris, if you read this, I love you. Thank you a million times because you did so much for me. You are amazing, and I am so glad we get to still be friends after this. I'll never be able to express how much you helped me through my anxiety. How you knew exactly what to do when I was having an attack. You are the best. 

and then it's not...

It sucks when everything is going great...

and then it's not. 

You know, how when everything is going good, but then one little thing pushes you down like 500 steps. 

That was me last night, and who am I kidding, even today.

I can't stop feeling down...it's like this cloud crowding up my brain. It's not as bad as before. I credit that to the antidepressant, but I still feel it a little bit.

 I can't stop thinking about this ONE THING. 

How is it going to affect my life? How am I going to get through this? What should I do? What if I make the wrong choice?

I don't know what to do, and I just can't....I just can't.

It's the overthinking that kills me. What's frustrating is that people who don't have this really only understands it to a certain extent.

They say, "Dude, I overthink stuff all the time! You're not the only one". 

And, I know everyone does, but it's like 10 times worse than a normal person. 

That's the thing about anxiety, you overthink everything until you're left in a ball crying on the floor. 

...

Okay, so that's a little dramatic. But, still. 

It's the way I see it because that's what it does to me, and I am so tired. 

BUT GOD.

I grew up in church. I grew up hearing that with just a bit more faith my mental illness will magically go away. The thing about the Christian Church is, that mental illness is never talked about, and when it is, it's your own fault for not trusting in God enough to be healed. 

The conversation can go like this:

Them: Hi! How are you doing?

You: Not too great to be honest...

Them: Oh no! What is going on?

You: Well, my anxiety has been acting up and I can't seem to control it.

Them: You just need to pray! Give your fear and worries up to God. With God anything is possible. God doesn't want you to fear! It says it in: (insert bible verse about fear, take your pick. There are so many)

You: Oh yea, I do...it's just hard. Its' hard in the moment

Them: Oh don't worry! It'll get better

You: Thank you (feels worse about yourself now because all you do is give your worries to God and they seem to just keep coming back)

Now, don't misunderstand me. I LOVE God. He is the center of my universe, but this stigma that you just throw all your fears in God's hand, for me, just doesn't work. God knows what we're struggling with. He's God, for goodness sake. God allows bad things to happen to us so that He can be our comforter in those times of need, just like He is there to be praised when something amazing happens. Yes, cast your worries unto God. Show Him that you need Him. Show Him that you are leaning on Him for support.

My opinion on this is fairly new. Maybe about a year old? Less? I used to be the scared little girl, up until three months ago, who hoped with just a little more prayer, a little more faith, a little more attention to the sermons, God would take this away from me.. Because He loves me, right? He wouldn't want me to be suffering like this....

  right.....?

I felt like I wasn't good enough for Him to heal me. I was too much of a sinner. I was doing something wrong. This is why it took so long for me to ask for help. I didn't want to seem weak. I didn't want to depend on anything but God. But, I had to. I had to stop the path I was going down. The life I was living only three months ago was not a life worth living. It was not a happy life. 

BUT GOD.

But God blessed me with a wonderful doctor who knew exactly what I was going through, who knew my struggles. I'm happier. I'm calmer. I haven't had a serious panic attack since I began taking medication. I haven't even needed the acute medication for emergencies. Of course, my mind still races at times, I still get crazy nervous in public, etc, But with God strengthening me and comforting me, I know I am not alone in my fight. Because, no matter what, God has already won the war for me. He's got my back, and He's placed amazing people in my life who are always there for me, too. I am blessed, and those scriptures that I was told were the magic fix, turned into armor against the fear. They're what give me hope for a better tomorrow. 

I hope the church learns how to talk more about mental illness. The church needs to know how to support each other. These are friends, family, and even just strangers who are struggling. Imagine, if the church, as a whole, was fully comforting these people like we do with people with physical illnesses as well? Just imagine the effect it would have...

Anxiety

It feels like I'm stuck inside my own head. My body tenses up. The dizziness grows. The fear is building, and I can't control it. Within the span of about five minutes, the panic attack has taken over. There's no stopping it. 

A bit of backstory:

I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember. The first panic attack I remember having was in 4th grade. We were TAKS testing, and I was panicking and crying in my desk. The teacher had to take me outside and calm me down. These attacks came in waves over the next thirteen years. I can't tell you what caused them because I don't even know. But, they are the worst feeling imaginable. It feels like you can't breath, can't sit still, can't even speak. At first it wasn't like that though. My mom says I was just a really nervous kid, more so than most. It progressively got worse but didn't truly affect my everyday life until college. A month into school, my grades dropped. I couldn't go to class, couldn't sleep, couldn't take exams, and couldn't even go to the dining hall alone to get food. Before it got really bad, I had joined a Panhellenic sorority, Alpha Sigma Tau. Having my sisters helped a little, but not enough. I lost fifteen pounds that first year of college. I went home for two years and studied at the university there, but the anxiety kept building. Then, I went back to my old university and saw my sisters again. It was great for a few months! Reuniting with my sorority brought back a little spark, but that spark eventually ran out. My GPA kept dropping. I wasn't eating. I couldn't leave my apartment and last more than a few hours at work or school without getting a panic attack. 

I tried. Believe me, I tried. Nothing was working. So, this past winter break, I went to the doctor. I was finally diagnosed with General Anxiety, Social Anxiety, and Depression. (I'll explain later why I never went to get treated). 

I'm on medication now, and I can finally breathe. For those who have anxiety, I hope you experience that feeling, of breathing easy. It's amazing. I'm not magically cured, but it's a first step into a very long recovery. 

I hope this blog will help, those who do not know about anxiety, learn about it and be a place where, those with anxiety, can come and see that they are not alone in their struggles.