Am I The Problem?

Last time I said I was done...and I have been. I've been keeping to myself, doing what I want. But, for some reason, even then, people still find a way to hurt me. If I'm totally honest,...

It's the sorority....

I'm tired of constantly being hurt by the members in it. They talk about acceptance and all this other stuff, but when it comes down to it, if they don't like something you do or say, they get aggressive. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm still in it. I've been in it for 5 years...I don't want all the work I've done to all be for nothing by quitting. It's why I haven't quit yet..

But, I don't feel like I belong anymore. 

I feel like I'm annoying to everyone in it. 

It's really hard to stay calm. I feel like I'm slowing cracking. I don't want to slip again. 

I've been doing so well. No panic attacks...but I feel perpetually afraid now. 

Afraid that my little hates me.

Afraid that my friends are annoyed with me.

Afraid that they all hate me. 

Afraid that they'll say it to my face like my class sisters did 4 years ago...

Afraid that they'll see me cry and not care.

Afraid that I'll never have friends.

Afraid that the problem is me....

Done.

Aside from the major journey I have been going through the past year, I recently went through even more change. 

It all started in May. I decided I needed to get off my butt and stop letting life pass me by. It turns out that getting off my butt comes with loads of stupid drama. Like, seriously. I don't understand how so many things blew up this summer. 

But..I'm sort of glad they did. 

It taught me a whole lot, and I feel stronger for it. 

I also felt angry...I guess I'll explain the anger first. 

A lot of the problems were centered around the immediate group of people I was spending my time with. The part that makes me so angry, is that I tried to be a good friend. The friend we all promise each other to be. Honest, trustworthy. I even tried to be fun...which I usually am not. It was all for nought, though. I ended up coming into my (HOPEFULLY) last fall semester not even wanting to speak with any of these people. But...

Por mensa....I tried anyways. You know, to text them and try to spend time with them. 

NOTHING.

I tried some more...

NOTHING.

I tried again...

NOTHING.

...

I'M DONE. 

I'm Not Angry Anymore- Paramore 

(Just for fun)

I'm not angry anymore, though. I'm just done with all of it. It has all caused me so much anxiety and stress...I spent a measurable amount of time crying this summer. I decided I'm not going to cry anymore. It's not worth it. 

I've learned from all of this mess. I have become more private. (If people care, they'll ask. And, through all this, I have unexpectedly found those few friends who truly care.) I'm becoming a better person (I think). I'm not taking crap from people anymore. I'm standing up for myself. I'm living my life for my future, because after all the strife. The panic attacks, the times I couldn't leave my room, the failing grades, the loss of any hope for a future...I'm graduating. I'm graduating. I only have 10 more classes to take, and I'm out of this hellhole. And, I am so excited. Despite all my lows, I'm still breathing. I'm succeeding. I'm living the life I want. 

I should have been done with that part of my life ages ago. (lol) I feel so much less anxious. I'm happier.

It feels good to be done.