Strong

I've had a pretty hard time these past few weeks...

It's felt like God wanted to work on me a little extra this time around. 

You know how they say He's a potter, and we're the clay? 

Well I think we were at the spot where He had to fold me and reshape me because, 

wow, did things get bad. We're in the reshaping stage now...I hope. 

See, I had my progress questioned about a week ago. 

I was told my anxiety hasn't gotten better, and I need to "work on myself". 

It was the worst thing someone could have said to me. 

Because every little step I have taken...every huge step...a jump and a crawl and a run...

felt like it was absolute crap to them. 

You know, the usual, "We all get anxiety, too, but you can't use it as an excuse." 

(If anyone actually reads this, and you have ANY mental illness, don't believe things like this. It's ignorance wrapped in stupidity and arrogance. It's expectations for you to be something you are not. It's their lack of wanting to understand.)

I believe these hard times are all part of God's plan though...

you know, the folding and reshaping thing.

yeah, I've had a dark cloud over my head for 10 days now. 

Yeah, I feel down, very down. 

Yeah, I have had to take my Xanax a couple times already to prevent the anxiety attacks.

 But, all that has just had me clinging to God...

Like a little girl clinging to her father.

God said there will be struggles in this life, but it'll all work out for my good. I've just gotta get through the reshaping, the learning, and the growing up. 

I can't let people's words hurt me so much. I've gotta be strong.

I've gotta *stay strong, 

because regardless of what people will say of me or do to me, 

I cannot let them bring me down. 

Because I am fearfully and wonderfully made 

by the Almighty creator God, and nothing, 

NOTHING can bring me down 
as long as I'm in the shadow of His wing.

Am I The Problem?

Last time I said I was done...and I have been. I've been keeping to myself, doing what I want. But, for some reason, even then, people still find a way to hurt me. If I'm totally honest,...

It's the sorority....

I'm tired of constantly being hurt by the members in it. They talk about acceptance and all this other stuff, but when it comes down to it, if they don't like something you do or say, they get aggressive. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm still in it. I've been in it for 5 years...I don't want all the work I've done to all be for nothing by quitting. It's why I haven't quit yet..

But, I don't feel like I belong anymore. 

I feel like I'm annoying to everyone in it. 

It's really hard to stay calm. I feel like I'm slowing cracking. I don't want to slip again. 

I've been doing so well. No panic attacks...but I feel perpetually afraid now. 

Afraid that my little hates me.

Afraid that my friends are annoyed with me.

Afraid that they all hate me. 

Afraid that they'll say it to my face like my class sisters did 4 years ago...

Afraid that they'll see me cry and not care.

Afraid that I'll never have friends.

Afraid that the problem is me....

Done.

Aside from the major journey I have been going through the past year, I recently went through even more change. 

It all started in May. I decided I needed to get off my butt and stop letting life pass me by. It turns out that getting off my butt comes with loads of stupid drama. Like, seriously. I don't understand how so many things blew up this summer. 

But..I'm sort of glad they did. 

It taught me a whole lot, and I feel stronger for it. 

I also felt angry...I guess I'll explain the anger first. 

A lot of the problems were centered around the immediate group of people I was spending my time with. The part that makes me so angry, is that I tried to be a good friend. The friend we all promise each other to be. Honest, trustworthy. I even tried to be fun...which I usually am not. It was all for nought, though. I ended up coming into my (HOPEFULLY) last fall semester not even wanting to speak with any of these people. But...

Por mensa....I tried anyways. You know, to text them and try to spend time with them. 

NOTHING.

I tried some more...

NOTHING.

I tried again...

NOTHING.

...

I'M DONE. 

I'm Not Angry Anymore- Paramore 

(Just for fun)

I'm not angry anymore, though. I'm just done with all of it. It has all caused me so much anxiety and stress...I spent a measurable amount of time crying this summer. I decided I'm not going to cry anymore. It's not worth it. 

I've learned from all of this mess. I have become more private. (If people care, they'll ask. And, through all this, I have unexpectedly found those few friends who truly care.) I'm becoming a better person (I think). I'm not taking crap from people anymore. I'm standing up for myself. I'm living my life for my future, because after all the strife. The panic attacks, the times I couldn't leave my room, the failing grades, the loss of any hope for a future...I'm graduating. I'm graduating. I only have 10 more classes to take, and I'm out of this hellhole. And, I am so excited. Despite all my lows, I'm still breathing. I'm succeeding. I'm living the life I want. 

I should have been done with that part of my life ages ago. (lol) I feel so much less anxious. I'm happier.

It feels good to be done. 

Growth Takes Time

I've been wanting to write for several weeks now and just

 haven't had the time to sit down and well..write

I was thinking about where I was a year ago from this point in time...Living on my own, an hour away from home, struggling with panic attack after panic attack, being physically not okay because of the anxiety, stressing over school and work, feeling so alone...

I am so much better now... 

I hadn't even realized it until a couple weeks ago. I was sitting alone outside on my friend's hammock, looking up at the stars, at 11 pm, just in awe of how far I have come. 

I know most of my posts have been sad or not on the happy spectrum, but this one can sit peacefully on that sun shiny spectrum. I haven't had a serious panic attack in months! I've been working out, and eating more, gaining weight, working more, and just living. Yes, I still have little episodes or whatever you call them, but they're nothing like they used to be! My life is still messy. I have a boat load of things that I need to accomplish or find a solution to before I can say I have "made it". But, this is such a good start for me! 

I just can't get over it....

how much I have changed...

it's beautiful to think about. 

Like I kind of said already, I still have a long way to go, but this is a damn good start. I'm ready to keep going and growing. I'm ready for the fall school semester to start and everything that comes with that. I don't fully know what to expect, but, for once, I'm not afraid of that unknown.

I know not everyone is at the level I am on. For some people you're way past where I am. You're living the life you, at one point, thought you'd never live. And others, you're still struggling. It's like you're still carrying that heavy weight, and it seems like there is no relief. But, let me tell you, there IS relief. You just gotta keep pushing. You can do it. I believe in you. 

Ughhhhhhhhh

Ugh.

I feel so ugh. 

I don't even know how to stop feeling like this.

It's probably my fault, though. 

I hold everything in. 

Nothing terribly horrible has happened, but there are these little things that I keep holding in. I don't know where to let them out...Who to let them out to...When you lose your best friend, how do you let yourself let other people in? It was easy with him. He knows me. No one else really knows me like him, but he's a stranger now. What if he's a stranger BECAUSE he knew the real me? Then, I definitely shouldn't show me to anyone else...

My little says I need to stop thinking that everyone hates me, but it's easier said than done. I do try, though, to let people in, that is. 

I'm frustrated because I HAVE been doing better. I've been happy. I guess it's just those little things that have piled up. They put clouds in the night sky. Hid the stars. But the stars are still there. I just need to keep remembering that. 

So I can stop feeling this way.

So I can stop feeling so,

 ...ugh..

Gratitude

I started a few Pinterest daily challenges...

Two different workout ones and a metal cleanse challenge. I've been doing surprisingly well! 

Today is a gratitude list. 

Why a gratitude list? Well, because when everything seems like it's going to crap, we have to always remember everything that and everyone who has made a positive memory (Like in Inside Out).

So without further adieu, here is my list:

1. God. Because hello? He's here for me 100% of the time, and He loves me.

2. My parents. Without them....I'd be lost.

3. My little brother. He's my rock. The logical while I'm full of emotion.

4. My grandmother. She is an amazing woman of God. 

5. My successes. Because they've brought me joy.

6. My failures. Because they have made me stronger.

7. My friends. Every single one of them...the one's who've hurt me, 

loved me, stuck with me, etc. I've learned from each one. 

8. My family members. They're family. I love them.

9. Books. God gave an amazing gift of storytelling to so many people, 

and so many of their stories have impacted my life so much.

10. Alpha Sigma Tau. Because it's teaching me how to define excellence 

and to be the best woman I can be.

11. The sky. I look up to the clouds, the stars, the moon, and I can't help but smile. 

No matter what is going on, I know I can look up to the sky and be okay.

12. My anxiety. This one is hard to understand. But, I would not be me without it. 

I've read before that what makes you brave is conquering your fears, and I want to be brave. 

I am working my butt off to be brave. God gave me this battle, and I won't sit in bed, 

hiding from the world, anymore. I'm going to be brave.

I have so many little things I'm grateful for, but then I'll never stop typing. What are you grateful for? Despite your troubles, what good has happened for you?

Waves

You know how when there's a storm on the beach. Everything gets dark, and the lightening illuminates the sky. The water goes from clear blue to black as the sky above it. 

You watch the waves building up higher and higher. 

And then the waves begin to settle. The ocean steadies itself, 

and there's peace. 

And then comes another storm, and the cycle continues.

My mental illness is like those waves. The worry, anxiety, fear, panic, doubt, and everything in between grows higher, just like those waves. 

And just like they grow, they level out. 

So, my last post was a HUGE wave. It's not something I could help, but distractions and friends settled the waters. I've been hurt so bad recently, very recently, and it's been hard for me. 

But I made progress yesterday...I ate actual food (and not at my house but) during my break at work. 

AND I DIDN'T PANIC AFTER CLOCKING BACK IN.

That hasn't happened in years....

I am so proud of myself. I have been working so hard for this. It wasn't a restaurant, but someday I'll be eating pancakes with my future children and future husband at ihop. That's my goal. My ex said he wanted that for us, and even though he may not any more, I still do. Although it probably won't be happening with him, I'm still making that my goal, with whoever I end up with. 

Because I want there to be less and less waves. 

I need there to be less and less waves.