Strong

I've had a pretty hard time these past few weeks...

It's felt like God wanted to work on me a little extra this time around. 

You know how they say He's a potter, and we're the clay? 

Well I think we were at the spot where He had to fold me and reshape me because, 

wow, did things get bad. We're in the reshaping stage now...I hope. 

See, I had my progress questioned about a week ago. 

I was told my anxiety hasn't gotten better, and I need to "work on myself". 

It was the worst thing someone could have said to me. 

Because every little step I have taken...every huge step...a jump and a crawl and a run...

felt like it was absolute crap to them. 

You know, the usual, "We all get anxiety, too, but you can't use it as an excuse." 

(If anyone actually reads this, and you have ANY mental illness, don't believe things like this. It's ignorance wrapped in stupidity and arrogance. It's expectations for you to be something you are not. It's their lack of wanting to understand.)

I believe these hard times are all part of God's plan though...

you know, the folding and reshaping thing.

yeah, I've had a dark cloud over my head for 10 days now. 

Yeah, I feel down, very down. 

Yeah, I have had to take my Xanax a couple times already to prevent the anxiety attacks.

 But, all that has just had me clinging to God...

Like a little girl clinging to her father.

God said there will be struggles in this life, but it'll all work out for my good. I've just gotta get through the reshaping, the learning, and the growing up. 

I can't let people's words hurt me so much. I've gotta be strong.

I've gotta *stay strong, 

because regardless of what people will say of me or do to me, 

I cannot let them bring me down. 

Because I am fearfully and wonderfully made 

by the Almighty creator God, and nothing, 

NOTHING can bring me down 
as long as I'm in the shadow of His wing.

Am I The Problem?

Last time I said I was done...and I have been. I've been keeping to myself, doing what I want. But, for some reason, even then, people still find a way to hurt me. If I'm totally honest,...

It's the sorority....

I'm tired of constantly being hurt by the members in it. They talk about acceptance and all this other stuff, but when it comes down to it, if they don't like something you do or say, they get aggressive. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm still in it. I've been in it for 5 years...I don't want all the work I've done to all be for nothing by quitting. It's why I haven't quit yet..

But, I don't feel like I belong anymore. 

I feel like I'm annoying to everyone in it. 

It's really hard to stay calm. I feel like I'm slowing cracking. I don't want to slip again. 

I've been doing so well. No panic attacks...but I feel perpetually afraid now. 

Afraid that my little hates me.

Afraid that my friends are annoyed with me.

Afraid that they all hate me. 

Afraid that they'll say it to my face like my class sisters did 4 years ago...

Afraid that they'll see me cry and not care.

Afraid that I'll never have friends.

Afraid that the problem is me....

Done.

Aside from the major journey I have been going through the past year, I recently went through even more change. 

It all started in May. I decided I needed to get off my butt and stop letting life pass me by. It turns out that getting off my butt comes with loads of stupid drama. Like, seriously. I don't understand how so many things blew up this summer. 

But..I'm sort of glad they did. 

It taught me a whole lot, and I feel stronger for it. 

I also felt angry...I guess I'll explain the anger first. 

A lot of the problems were centered around the immediate group of people I was spending my time with. The part that makes me so angry, is that I tried to be a good friend. The friend we all promise each other to be. Honest, trustworthy. I even tried to be fun...which I usually am not. It was all for nought, though. I ended up coming into my (HOPEFULLY) last fall semester not even wanting to speak with any of these people. But...

Por mensa....I tried anyways. You know, to text them and try to spend time with them. 

NOTHING.

I tried some more...

NOTHING.

I tried again...

NOTHING.

...

I'M DONE. 

I'm Not Angry Anymore- Paramore 

(Just for fun)

I'm not angry anymore, though. I'm just done with all of it. It has all caused me so much anxiety and stress...I spent a measurable amount of time crying this summer. I decided I'm not going to cry anymore. It's not worth it. 

I've learned from all of this mess. I have become more private. (If people care, they'll ask. And, through all this, I have unexpectedly found those few friends who truly care.) I'm becoming a better person (I think). I'm not taking crap from people anymore. I'm standing up for myself. I'm living my life for my future, because after all the strife. The panic attacks, the times I couldn't leave my room, the failing grades, the loss of any hope for a future...I'm graduating. I'm graduating. I only have 10 more classes to take, and I'm out of this hellhole. And, I am so excited. Despite all my lows, I'm still breathing. I'm succeeding. I'm living the life I want. 

I should have been done with that part of my life ages ago. (lol) I feel so much less anxious. I'm happier.

It feels good to be done. 

Growth Takes Time

I've been wanting to write for several weeks now and just

 haven't had the time to sit down and well..write

I was thinking about where I was a year ago from this point in time...Living on my own, an hour away from home, struggling with panic attack after panic attack, being physically not okay because of the anxiety, stressing over school and work, feeling so alone...

I am so much better now... 

I hadn't even realized it until a couple weeks ago. I was sitting alone outside on my friend's hammock, looking up at the stars, at 11 pm, just in awe of how far I have come. 

I know most of my posts have been sad or not on the happy spectrum, but this one can sit peacefully on that sun shiny spectrum. I haven't had a serious panic attack in months! I've been working out, and eating more, gaining weight, working more, and just living. Yes, I still have little episodes or whatever you call them, but they're nothing like they used to be! My life is still messy. I have a boat load of things that I need to accomplish or find a solution to before I can say I have "made it". But, this is such a good start for me! 

I just can't get over it....

how much I have changed...

it's beautiful to think about. 

Like I kind of said already, I still have a long way to go, but this is a damn good start. I'm ready to keep going and growing. I'm ready for the fall school semester to start and everything that comes with that. I don't fully know what to expect, but, for once, I'm not afraid of that unknown.

I know not everyone is at the level I am on. For some people you're way past where I am. You're living the life you, at one point, thought you'd never live. And others, you're still struggling. It's like you're still carrying that heavy weight, and it seems like there is no relief. But, let me tell you, there IS relief. You just gotta keep pushing. You can do it. I believe in you. 

Ughhhhhhhhh

Ugh.

I feel so ugh. 

I don't even know how to stop feeling like this.

It's probably my fault, though. 

I hold everything in. 

Nothing terribly horrible has happened, but there are these little things that I keep holding in. I don't know where to let them out...Who to let them out to...When you lose your best friend, how do you let yourself let other people in? It was easy with him. He knows me. No one else really knows me like him, but he's a stranger now. What if he's a stranger BECAUSE he knew the real me? Then, I definitely shouldn't show me to anyone else...

My little says I need to stop thinking that everyone hates me, but it's easier said than done. I do try, though, to let people in, that is. 

I'm frustrated because I HAVE been doing better. I've been happy. I guess it's just those little things that have piled up. They put clouds in the night sky. Hid the stars. But the stars are still there. I just need to keep remembering that. 

So I can stop feeling this way.

So I can stop feeling so,

 ...ugh..

Gratitude

I started a few Pinterest daily challenges...

Two different workout ones and a metal cleanse challenge. I've been doing surprisingly well! 

Today is a gratitude list. 

Why a gratitude list? Well, because when everything seems like it's going to crap, we have to always remember everything that and everyone who has made a positive memory (Like in Inside Out).

So without further adieu, here is my list:

1. God. Because hello? He's here for me 100% of the time, and He loves me.

2. My parents. Without them....I'd be lost.

3. My little brother. He's my rock. The logical while I'm full of emotion.

4. My grandmother. She is an amazing woman of God. 

5. My successes. Because they've brought me joy.

6. My failures. Because they have made me stronger.

7. My friends. Every single one of them...the one's who've hurt me, 

loved me, stuck with me, etc. I've learned from each one. 

8. My family members. They're family. I love them.

9. Books. God gave an amazing gift of storytelling to so many people, 

and so many of their stories have impacted my life so much.

10. Alpha Sigma Tau. Because it's teaching me how to define excellence 

and to be the best woman I can be.

11. The sky. I look up to the clouds, the stars, the moon, and I can't help but smile. 

No matter what is going on, I know I can look up to the sky and be okay.

12. My anxiety. This one is hard to understand. But, I would not be me without it. 

I've read before that what makes you brave is conquering your fears, and I want to be brave. 

I am working my butt off to be brave. God gave me this battle, and I won't sit in bed, 

hiding from the world, anymore. I'm going to be brave.

I have so many little things I'm grateful for, but then I'll never stop typing. What are you grateful for? Despite your troubles, what good has happened for you?

Waves

You know how when there's a storm on the beach. Everything gets dark, and the lightening illuminates the sky. The water goes from clear blue to black as the sky above it. 

You watch the waves building up higher and higher. 

And then the waves begin to settle. The ocean steadies itself, 

and there's peace. 

And then comes another storm, and the cycle continues.

My mental illness is like those waves. The worry, anxiety, fear, panic, doubt, and everything in between grows higher, just like those waves. 

And just like they grow, they level out. 

So, my last post was a HUGE wave. It's not something I could help, but distractions and friends settled the waters. I've been hurt so bad recently, very recently, and it's been hard for me. 

But I made progress yesterday...I ate actual food (and not at my house but) during my break at work. 

AND I DIDN'T PANIC AFTER CLOCKING BACK IN.

That hasn't happened in years....

I am so proud of myself. I have been working so hard for this. It wasn't a restaurant, but someday I'll be eating pancakes with my future children and future husband at ihop. That's my goal. My ex said he wanted that for us, and even though he may not any more, I still do. Although it probably won't be happening with him, I'm still making that my goal, with whoever I end up with. 

Because I want there to be less and less waves. 

I need there to be less and less waves.

Loss

To say I've known loss is an understatement. My grandpa was alive one day,
and dead the next. My great grandma went from complaining to me
and my grandma about leg pains to dying within the next few months...

I haven't just had loss in the most finite way, but I've also lost friends, boyfriends, people I love and would have done anything for. I think those hurt the most, or at least,

they keep hurting.

Yea, I miss my uncles, and grandpas, and great grandma, but I don't see them anymore. When they died, that was it. I still cry about it, but I don't have to see them over and over again in their coffins....my friends...I have to see them time and time again and act like nothing ever happened, like we didn't have sleepovers and share our darkest secrets. 

That is torture. 

Huh...maybe that's the difference? Loss and torture. They're two completely different things. 

Another difference is their deaths weren't because of me. 

The torture? 

I brought it on myself. 

For trusting.

For hoping.

For getting attached.

For being too much.

For not being enough.

For loving too hard. 

I give EVERYTHING into relationships (friends, boyfriends, etc.), and, yet, I always fall short. I don't know..I screw up something. I say the wrong thing. I'm too honest. 

I'm me. That's what it boils down to. I'm just me, and, in my heart, I'm not good.

 I am just not good. Maybe, God made me like this. To keep getting hurt, over and over again. Maybe He thinks I can handle it. I just wish I knew for what purpose.

...

A new torture has begun. I'm gonna see this person time and time again when school 

starts up again (Not to mention social media). 

I'm going to see their face and remember every moment with them. 

I'm going to remember every fight that I picked and wish I could take it all back. 

I'm going to wish I hadn't been so demanding, or so broken on the inside. 

Maybe that wouldn't have driven them away.

Because they are the ones who leave, not me.

They always leave. 

Yea, I've known loss. In every sense. And yet, I continue to wish I could fix what broke and 

"keep beat[ing] on, boat against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." 

-F. Scott Fitzgerald 

Trying to explain it...

Explaining Depression to my Mother

I saw the video above, today, and had to share it. It brought tears to my eyes. I understood this young woman's pain. I had flashbacks to specific moments in my depression....It is powerful and so well executed. She explained it so well...the tears in her eyes, the shaking arms, the analogies, the pleading tone of voice...and yet I know it's not describing everything that is felt. It's impossible, at least for me. 

(I just wanted to say how truly blessed I am to have parents who have tried to understand what I go through. My mom deals with anxiety, too. My dad tries to dissect all the little pieces that I share. I am grateful for that and for the help, love, and support they show me. I know not everyone has that...)

No explanation I give will ever truly describe what I feel everyday, in those moments of fear. But, I try. And, I fail miserably. It's just hard to understand for people who have never gone through a panic attack or depression. Even then, EVERY situation is different, and I will never experience a panic attack like my friend does or my coworker does, and vice versa. At least, with the people who get it, they get it. (haha) They understand you on a deeper level, for the most part. 

And then there's those who think their's is worse...

I had an encounter with this customer at work. She came in for a specific reason I cannot disclose because... HIPPA. Anyways, long story short, she was talking about how bad her anxiety is. She has had it for years and years, and nothing worked. So, I told her I totally related because I have had it for forever, too. 

AND SHE HAS THE AUDACITY TO SAY: NO YOURS DOESN'T SEEM TOO BAD. MINE IS SO MUCH WORSE THAN THAT. 

Excuse me....how do you know? Were you there when I was hyperventilating on the break room floor, just 20 feet from where you're standing? Just because the antidepressant has worked wonders on me? Just because you're on 2mg of Xanax 3 times a day, and you have tremors?!?!?!? Oh, right, because you work at a clinic? NO. Because I've learned how to work with my illness and you haven't yet.

I was furious. I wanted to tell her, "Who are you to tell me my battle is nothing?" Of course, I didn't say that. But, oh did it bother me.

Please, don't ever demean somebody's struggle. And, I don't mean, let them mope and whine, but, acknowledge that you may never understand and encourage them to keep fighting. Because if you do the first thing, they'll never tell you what's going on ever again. 

Why would we? When all they're going to get is:

 "There are people dying from real illnesses. You just gotta look at the bright side and stop being so sad". 

We'll just probably close ourselves off even more. 

Just know that, whatever you are going through, you don't have to explain it. And, if you do? Know that people may not understand, but there are people out there (like me) who will try. Remember that other people hurt, too. You're not alone in the war waging in your mind, muscles, bones, blood, cells, etc. And lastly, lean on God. Because He will be there to comfort and understand when there is no one else. He'll always be there.

What I Want To Say

I know I'm not the only one who doesn't always say what I'm thinking. Whether by choice or lack of the words, we just don't say more than we do. I have a lot of trouble with this. I'm okay at writing, but when it comes to talking, I forget how to speak. I get to a point where I can't express what I feel, or even hold a conversation. 

I have all these thoughts racing through my mind, and then I open my mouth and.......

I notice it most in public and like small talk. The social anxiety. I went out with my boyfriend this past Saturday, and it was THE WORST! I was in a room full of people I have known for at least 3-4 months (and some girls I didn't know and who didn't care to find out who I was...but that's besides the point), and I could not make conversation. I sat on the sofa for like an hour and a half and then left because I couldn't take it. I felt so bad, though. My boyfriend invited me, and I know he wanted me to stay. But, I couldn't. I was just there like a loser..devoid of any knowledge of human interaction. 

It's funny, this one girl was like, "You're so quiet Nancy," and all that came out was a weak smile and a, "Yeah, I'm tired". Needless to say, she did NOT continue to try to talk to me. (I'm laughing at my own awkwardness). This is just one of many, MANY instances.

I've just grown to accept it, but I worry that everyone thinks I'm bored with being there, or stuck up, or think I'm too good to talk to them, or weird, or boring. I especially worry about it when I'm anywhere near my boyfriend's or my parents' friends. I WANT to fit in. I WANT to make a good impression for the sake of my loved ones. I WANT my loved ones to be proud of me and of being associated with me. But, I don't know...I feel like that may not be the case most of the time. 

I put them through a lot. How they all deal with me, I have no idea, but I am so grateful that they do. I hoped it would go away over time, and, to a certain point, it kind of has, but it's still pretty bad...maybe one day it'll get better. 

It would definitely make everyone's lives easier.

Home

I'm moving back home in about 30 days, give or take, and I'm feeling good about it, mostly. I've been living only 4 minutes away from school for a year, now, and I dread the hour drive I'll have to make soon. 

I didn't want to move home. Although, I know it was the stubborn pride in me and maybe even the disappointment in myself. 

"You're 23 years old, Nicole. If you go home now, you'll be taking 100 steps back. Think about what everyone will think. They'll think you failed. They'll think you couldn't handle the real world and are running back home to mom and dad. They'll talk about how you'll be losing your freedom, that your parents will control you and your life again..."

Some of these have actually been said to me when I've told friends that I'm moving back home. I get why people would say these things. I get it because I've thought them myself, but I know that's the wrong mentality. When I talked to my dad, he said that he really thinks this'll be a fresh start for me. Now that my mind is better, I can take care of my finances, weight and God. (He didn't say that last sentence. but it crossed my mind when we talked.) I told him about my worries, how I felt like I'd lose my freedom. He said I was an adult now, and I won't need permission to do the things I want. Of course, I still have to respect house rules and (UGH) wash dishes. But, it won't be like I was thinking. 

I thought a whole lot about it, and I decided it is the best thing for me. I miss my family. Seeing them only once or twice a month sucks. I know they miss me too...well maybe not my brother, but I think he may secretly miss me (haha). And, it really will be better money wise. I won't have to pay rent or utilities. Once I'm better on my feet, money wise, I'll started helping them again, but this past year really has been tough. I have barely afforded bills and just enough food for me and my kitty. So, home cooking will fatten me up, hopefully! Plus, I like money, so you can see why this has been killing me. 

I NEED THOSE SHOES AND PURSES AND CLOTHES THAT I DON'T ACTUALLY NEED!

I know it'll be a pain in the butt to drive so much and living an hour away from my boyfriend will be hard, but this really is the best thing for me right now. I'm pretty excited.

I'm ready to go home. 

The Sun

The sun has finally come out. 

No I don't mean the ACTUAL sun because, where I live, the sun has been burning down on us for months. I mean the sun in my soul. You know, where the darkness creeps away and (almost) everything is working out. That's me right now. 

Why, you ask?

Well, let me give you a bit of backstory. I was a Chemistry major for four years in college. I wanted to be a pharmacist, and it just wasn't working out. I kept applying and kept getting rejected. I kept failing all of my classes. My GPA kept dropping. I was giving up on even finishing college. You see, when the dream you have had for more than half of your life (so far) keeps rejecting you and laughing in your face, you lose hope. The light goes out. The struggle I was enduring was only made worse by my anxiety. It got to the point where I couldn't sit through an exam without having an anxiety attack, couldn't study, and couldn't even go to class. I felt like a failure. The people I graduated high school with were graduating college, getting married, having kids, establishing careers, and I had become the person I dreaded, the one who flew through grade school and sunk in college. My mind had so much fun telling me that I sucked, that I won't amount to anything, that my parents will be so disappointed, that people will talk about me with pity. I was about to give up. 

And then, I changed my major. I knew what I was doing before wasn't working. I knew I had to make a change. So, I swallowed my pride and went to an adviser at school. I pretty much poured my heart out, professionally, and she asked me what I LIKED to do. I told her about Alpha Sigma Tau and my role in the sorority. She looked at me and said "Mass Communications. Advertising. That's where you belong." I looked back at her and took the biggest leap of my life. "Okay," I said. This was at the end of November. It was pretty much my first step in getting all of the help I needed.

The sun is out. I am standing in its warmth. 

Readers of my blog, I didn't get anything less than a B in any of my classes. I actually attended class. I GOT HUNDREDS ON EXAMS. I actually understood the subjects being taught. 

And okay, get this....

I ACTUALLY WAS HAVING FUN LEARNING. That hadn't happened since I took Inorganic Chemistry 3 years ago. I do give some credit to the antidepressant. Without it, I know I'd still be struggling to take hold of my anxiety, but I also give credit to the major. It fits me, and I love it. 

I feel like the moral of my story is that humbling myself and asking for help was the best choice I ever made. I fought against my anxiety for 20 ish years without truly accepting help, and I was just ignoring the problem. Once I relented and accepted that help, of any kind, was the best choice, I really began to live my life...

Can't stop thinking

Anxiety isn't just the panic attacks. It's the over thinking, the panic, the thoughts, the racing heart, the plunge of self esteem, and everything in between. See, the panic attacks are just a small part of it. I mean, don't get me wrong, hyperventilating and feeling like I'm dying is pretty dang terrible, but let's talk about the before...before the explosion. 

I overthink everything, you see. Now, I know. I KNOW every one overthinks, but people with anxiety NEVER STOP OVERTHINKING. Our minds are our battlefield. We fight. We fight so hard to stop the thoughts, but we can't. Or at least, I can't. 

Let me give you an example, just last night while my friends were out having a good time at an event I wasn't allowed to go to (which I will never stop fighting that it was ridiculously stupid and individualistic, and I will never forgive the decision that was made, but that's a totally different story.) and I could not, for the life of me, stop thinking about how 

No one cared about me. How has no one texted me to see how I'm doing. No one seemed to care that I wasn't there. I'm invisible. No one even notices when I'm there, let alone when I'm not there. They knew I wanted to go to this.

I know that it's all in my head. I know it's the low self esteem and the anxiety that make these thoughts run wild. I am still upset about yesterday. I haven't even looked at any of my social medias since after work yesterday. I don't want to see everyone's happy faces when I'm alone in my room all weekend. I'm not saying that I don't want everyone to have fun without me, but they say they love me and that they'll always be there for me and all this other crap, but I don't believe it. I stop believing words a long time ago. Person after person has let me down, and I can't trust. Because when I trust people and they let me down, the anxiety gets worse. The thoughts attack in full force. 

Why do they lie? Why have they let me down, AGAIN? Why can't I do anything right? There must be something wrong with me if everyone does this to me...

I look back, though, at the times I didn't have "friends". The anxiety was still there...it's always there just following me like a dark shadow. I just know how to deal with it now, I guess. See, last night, like many many moments in my life, I felt those racing thoughts, the panic bubbling up ready to break me down, but I fought. I prayed. I distracted myself with painting and cleaning everything I could, and I won! It's a small feat, but every little win is worth celebrating. The hardest battle is waged in my mind. The attacks are just the end result. A moment I don't have a panic attack, a day I beat those thoughts, is a moment of celebration. I'll get through this, like I always do. Whatever battles are going through your head, you WILL get through them, too. 

Christian

Some love stories are short stories, but they are love stories, all the same

My boyfriend and I broke up tonight...I think we really need this break, this space right now. It's going to be hard for me. I don't like change. I don't like awkward questions from people about why we broke up. But, I'm okay. I'm better than I expected to be. I think it's because he was the best boyfriend I've ever had. For once, I wasn't the only one giving 110% into the relationship. He loves me. He loved me with all that he was, and I didn't deserve it. He's amazing. He helped me in my worst time. I'll always be grateful for him. God put him in my life in the exact moment I needed him. 

Chris, if you read this, I love you. Thank you a million times because you did so much for me. You are amazing, and I am so glad we get to still be friends after this. I'll never be able to express how much you helped me through my anxiety. How you knew exactly what to do when I was having an attack. You are the best. 

and then it's not...

It sucks when everything is going great...

and then it's not. 

You know, how when everything is going good, but then one little thing pushes you down like 500 steps. 

That was me last night, and who am I kidding, even today.

I can't stop feeling down...it's like this cloud crowding up my brain. It's not as bad as before. I credit that to the antidepressant, but I still feel it a little bit.

 I can't stop thinking about this ONE THING. 

How is it going to affect my life? How am I going to get through this? What should I do? What if I make the wrong choice?

I don't know what to do, and I just can't....I just can't.

It's the overthinking that kills me. What's frustrating is that people who don't have this really only understands it to a certain extent.

They say, "Dude, I overthink stuff all the time! You're not the only one". 

And, I know everyone does, but it's like 10 times worse than a normal person. 

That's the thing about anxiety, you overthink everything until you're left in a ball crying on the floor. 

...

Okay, so that's a little dramatic. But, still. 

It's the way I see it because that's what it does to me, and I am so tired. 

BUT GOD.

I grew up in church. I grew up hearing that with just a bit more faith my mental illness will magically go away. The thing about the Christian Church is, that mental illness is never talked about, and when it is, it's your own fault for not trusting in God enough to be healed. 

The conversation can go like this:

Them: Hi! How are you doing?

You: Not too great to be honest...

Them: Oh no! What is going on?

You: Well, my anxiety has been acting up and I can't seem to control it.

Them: You just need to pray! Give your fear and worries up to God. With God anything is possible. God doesn't want you to fear! It says it in: (insert bible verse about fear, take your pick. There are so many)

You: Oh yea, I do...it's just hard. Its' hard in the moment

Them: Oh don't worry! It'll get better

You: Thank you (feels worse about yourself now because all you do is give your worries to God and they seem to just keep coming back)

Now, don't misunderstand me. I LOVE God. He is the center of my universe, but this stigma that you just throw all your fears in God's hand, for me, just doesn't work. God knows what we're struggling with. He's God, for goodness sake. God allows bad things to happen to us so that He can be our comforter in those times of need, just like He is there to be praised when something amazing happens. Yes, cast your worries unto God. Show Him that you need Him. Show Him that you are leaning on Him for support.

My opinion on this is fairly new. Maybe about a year old? Less? I used to be the scared little girl, up until three months ago, who hoped with just a little more prayer, a little more faith, a little more attention to the sermons, God would take this away from me.. Because He loves me, right? He wouldn't want me to be suffering like this....

  right.....?

I felt like I wasn't good enough for Him to heal me. I was too much of a sinner. I was doing something wrong. This is why it took so long for me to ask for help. I didn't want to seem weak. I didn't want to depend on anything but God. But, I had to. I had to stop the path I was going down. The life I was living only three months ago was not a life worth living. It was not a happy life. 

BUT GOD.

But God blessed me with a wonderful doctor who knew exactly what I was going through, who knew my struggles. I'm happier. I'm calmer. I haven't had a serious panic attack since I began taking medication. I haven't even needed the acute medication for emergencies. Of course, my mind still races at times, I still get crazy nervous in public, etc, But with God strengthening me and comforting me, I know I am not alone in my fight. Because, no matter what, God has already won the war for me. He's got my back, and He's placed amazing people in my life who are always there for me, too. I am blessed, and those scriptures that I was told were the magic fix, turned into armor against the fear. They're what give me hope for a better tomorrow. 

I hope the church learns how to talk more about mental illness. The church needs to know how to support each other. These are friends, family, and even just strangers who are struggling. Imagine, if the church, as a whole, was fully comforting these people like we do with people with physical illnesses as well? Just imagine the effect it would have...

Anxiety

It feels like I'm stuck inside my own head. My body tenses up. The dizziness grows. The fear is building, and I can't control it. Within the span of about five minutes, the panic attack has taken over. There's no stopping it. 

A bit of backstory:

I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember. The first panic attack I remember having was in 4th grade. We were TAKS testing, and I was panicking and crying in my desk. The teacher had to take me outside and calm me down. These attacks came in waves over the next thirteen years. I can't tell you what caused them because I don't even know. But, they are the worst feeling imaginable. It feels like you can't breath, can't sit still, can't even speak. At first it wasn't like that though. My mom says I was just a really nervous kid, more so than most. It progressively got worse but didn't truly affect my everyday life until college. A month into school, my grades dropped. I couldn't go to class, couldn't sleep, couldn't take exams, and couldn't even go to the dining hall alone to get food. Before it got really bad, I had joined a Panhellenic sorority, Alpha Sigma Tau. Having my sisters helped a little, but not enough. I lost fifteen pounds that first year of college. I went home for two years and studied at the university there, but the anxiety kept building. Then, I went back to my old university and saw my sisters again. It was great for a few months! Reuniting with my sorority brought back a little spark, but that spark eventually ran out. My GPA kept dropping. I wasn't eating. I couldn't leave my apartment and last more than a few hours at work or school without getting a panic attack. 

I tried. Believe me, I tried. Nothing was working. So, this past winter break, I went to the doctor. I was finally diagnosed with General Anxiety, Social Anxiety, and Depression. (I'll explain later why I never went to get treated). 

I'm on medication now, and I can finally breathe. For those who have anxiety, I hope you experience that feeling, of breathing easy. It's amazing. I'm not magically cured, but it's a first step into a very long recovery. 

I hope this blog will help, those who do not know about anxiety, learn about it and be a place where, those with anxiety, can come and see that they are not alone in their struggles.