The Sun

The sun has finally come out. 

No I don't mean the ACTUAL sun because, where I live, the sun has been burning down on us for months. I mean the sun in my soul. You know, where the darkness creeps away and (almost) everything is working out. That's me right now. 

Why, you ask?

Well, let me give you a bit of backstory. I was a Chemistry major for four years in college. I wanted to be a pharmacist, and it just wasn't working out. I kept applying and kept getting rejected. I kept failing all of my classes. My GPA kept dropping. I was giving up on even finishing college. You see, when the dream you have had for more than half of your life (so far) keeps rejecting you and laughing in your face, you lose hope. The light goes out. The struggle I was enduring was only made worse by my anxiety. It got to the point where I couldn't sit through an exam without having an anxiety attack, couldn't study, and couldn't even go to class. I felt like a failure. The people I graduated high school with were graduating college, getting married, having kids, establishing careers, and I had become the person I dreaded, the one who flew through grade school and sunk in college. My mind had so much fun telling me that I sucked, that I won't amount to anything, that my parents will be so disappointed, that people will talk about me with pity. I was about to give up. 

And then, I changed my major. I knew what I was doing before wasn't working. I knew I had to make a change. So, I swallowed my pride and went to an adviser at school. I pretty much poured my heart out, professionally, and she asked me what I LIKED to do. I told her about Alpha Sigma Tau and my role in the sorority. She looked at me and said "Mass Communications. Advertising. That's where you belong." I looked back at her and took the biggest leap of my life. "Okay," I said. This was at the end of November. It was pretty much my first step in getting all of the help I needed.

The sun is out. I am standing in its warmth. 

Readers of my blog, I didn't get anything less than a B in any of my classes. I actually attended class. I GOT HUNDREDS ON EXAMS. I actually understood the subjects being taught. 

And okay, get this....

I ACTUALLY WAS HAVING FUN LEARNING. That hadn't happened since I took Inorganic Chemistry 3 years ago. I do give some credit to the antidepressant. Without it, I know I'd still be struggling to take hold of my anxiety, but I also give credit to the major. It fits me, and I love it. 

I feel like the moral of my story is that humbling myself and asking for help was the best choice I ever made. I fought against my anxiety for 20 ish years without truly accepting help, and I was just ignoring the problem. Once I relented and accepted that help, of any kind, was the best choice, I really began to live my life...