What I Want To Say

I know I'm not the only one who doesn't always say what I'm thinking. Whether by choice or lack of the words, we just don't say more than we do. I have a lot of trouble with this. I'm okay at writing, but when it comes to talking, I forget how to speak. I get to a point where I can't express what I feel, or even hold a conversation. 

I have all these thoughts racing through my mind, and then I open my mouth and.......

I notice it most in public and like small talk. The social anxiety. I went out with my boyfriend this past Saturday, and it was THE WORST! I was in a room full of people I have known for at least 3-4 months (and some girls I didn't know and who didn't care to find out who I was...but that's besides the point), and I could not make conversation. I sat on the sofa for like an hour and a half and then left because I couldn't take it. I felt so bad, though. My boyfriend invited me, and I know he wanted me to stay. But, I couldn't. I was just there like a loser..devoid of any knowledge of human interaction. 

It's funny, this one girl was like, "You're so quiet Nancy," and all that came out was a weak smile and a, "Yeah, I'm tired". Needless to say, she did NOT continue to try to talk to me. (I'm laughing at my own awkwardness). This is just one of many, MANY instances.

I've just grown to accept it, but I worry that everyone thinks I'm bored with being there, or stuck up, or think I'm too good to talk to them, or weird, or boring. I especially worry about it when I'm anywhere near my boyfriend's or my parents' friends. I WANT to fit in. I WANT to make a good impression for the sake of my loved ones. I WANT my loved ones to be proud of me and of being associated with me. But, I don't know...I feel like that may not be the case most of the time. 

I put them through a lot. How they all deal with me, I have no idea, but I am so grateful that they do. I hoped it would go away over time, and, to a certain point, it kind of has, but it's still pretty bad...maybe one day it'll get better. 

It would definitely make everyone's lives easier.