Ughhhhhhhhh

Ugh.

I feel so ugh. 

I don't even know how to stop feeling like this.

It's probably my fault, though. 

I hold everything in. 

Nothing terribly horrible has happened, but there are these little things that I keep holding in. I don't know where to let them out...Who to let them out to...When you lose your best friend, how do you let yourself let other people in? It was easy with him. He knows me. No one else really knows me like him, but he's a stranger now. What if he's a stranger BECAUSE he knew the real me? Then, I definitely shouldn't show me to anyone else...

My little says I need to stop thinking that everyone hates me, but it's easier said than done. I do try, though, to let people in, that is. 

I'm frustrated because I HAVE been doing better. I've been happy. I guess it's just those little things that have piled up. They put clouds in the night sky. Hid the stars. But the stars are still there. I just need to keep remembering that. 

So I can stop feeling this way.

So I can stop feeling so,

 ...ugh..

Gratitude

I started a few Pinterest daily challenges...

Two different workout ones and a metal cleanse challenge. I've been doing surprisingly well! 

Today is a gratitude list. 

Why a gratitude list? Well, because when everything seems like it's going to crap, we have to always remember everything that and everyone who has made a positive memory (Like in Inside Out).

So without further adieu, here is my list:

1. God. Because hello? He's here for me 100% of the time, and He loves me.

2. My parents. Without them....I'd be lost.

3. My little brother. He's my rock. The logical while I'm full of emotion.

4. My grandmother. She is an amazing woman of God. 

5. My successes. Because they've brought me joy.

6. My failures. Because they have made me stronger.

7. My friends. Every single one of them...the one's who've hurt me, 

loved me, stuck with me, etc. I've learned from each one. 

8. My family members. They're family. I love them.

9. Books. God gave an amazing gift of storytelling to so many people, 

and so many of their stories have impacted my life so much.

10. Alpha Sigma Tau. Because it's teaching me how to define excellence 

and to be the best woman I can be.

11. The sky. I look up to the clouds, the stars, the moon, and I can't help but smile. 

No matter what is going on, I know I can look up to the sky and be okay.

12. My anxiety. This one is hard to understand. But, I would not be me without it. 

I've read before that what makes you brave is conquering your fears, and I want to be brave. 

I am working my butt off to be brave. God gave me this battle, and I won't sit in bed, 

hiding from the world, anymore. I'm going to be brave.

I have so many little things I'm grateful for, but then I'll never stop typing. What are you grateful for? Despite your troubles, what good has happened for you?

Waves

You know how when there's a storm on the beach. Everything gets dark, and the lightening illuminates the sky. The water goes from clear blue to black as the sky above it. 

You watch the waves building up higher and higher. 

And then the waves begin to settle. The ocean steadies itself, 

and there's peace. 

And then comes another storm, and the cycle continues.

My mental illness is like those waves. The worry, anxiety, fear, panic, doubt, and everything in between grows higher, just like those waves. 

And just like they grow, they level out. 

So, my last post was a HUGE wave. It's not something I could help, but distractions and friends settled the waters. I've been hurt so bad recently, very recently, and it's been hard for me. 

But I made progress yesterday...I ate actual food (and not at my house but) during my break at work. 

AND I DIDN'T PANIC AFTER CLOCKING BACK IN.

That hasn't happened in years....

I am so proud of myself. I have been working so hard for this. It wasn't a restaurant, but someday I'll be eating pancakes with my future children and future husband at ihop. That's my goal. My ex said he wanted that for us, and even though he may not any more, I still do. Although it probably won't be happening with him, I'm still making that my goal, with whoever I end up with. 

Because I want there to be less and less waves. 

I need there to be less and less waves.